My emotions are running wild these days. On one hand, I find myself feeling guilty for not having certain emotions...and on the other hand, I catch myself in the midst of the most obvious, and natural emotional melt downs. I can't sleep, and have been thinking about a good talk I had with a best friend tonight, where I tried my best to explain my emotions, or lack-there-of.
First things first: I don't owe anyone an explanation or justification of any kind. While some have "lived through this" with me, no one has felt what I have felt on the inside. That's between me and God. But I catch myself feeling like I have to explain myself when bringing someone up to speed on my relationship status.
I don't cry about it. The hellacious roller coaster I've been riding on for these last 6 months sucked every last tear out of me, with regard to this particular situation. I ain't got none left. Therefore my current emotional state is in no way a sob-fest. I'm not sad about it anymore. So when someone says, "I can't believe how well you're handling it" or "You're really holding it together nicely," I feel like I need to set the record straight. I held it together for a long, long time. I learned how to put on my happy face, and "hold it together," even when my every emotional and spiritual need was being swept under the rug. I cried. Lots. Lots and lots and lots. And it took every sleepless night, and every last tear, to get me to the place that I'm at right now. I'm not sad, I'm relieved. Relieved that I don't have to spend the rest of my days "holding it together."
These days, rather, I find myself overwhelmed by the emotion of the stark reality that I am ON MY OWN. I don't like to use the word lonely, because I'm not. I am completely surrounded by more love and support than I know what to do with. But I am definitely alone. Going from a pretty decent income, coming from two hard-working adults...to one, less-than-mediocre income...SUCKS. Coming home after a long day at work, collapsing on the bed, and realizing that no one else is going to walk thru the front door...SUCKS. Knowing, and becoming "okay" with the fact that I pretty much walked away from my social life...SUCKS. All of my (our) friends, he got to keep. Now I just get to have them all as "token" Facebook friends who were a big part of my life at one point...kind of like all of the people I'm friends with from high school; we were a big piece of each other's lives, at one point.
This isn't fun, at all. But I am reminded daily, and receive confirmation at least once a week, that I made the right choice. I did what was best for me...to preserve my dignity and self-worth. Speaking of self-worth: if there is any person reading this post who has ever felt less-than-worthy of something great, stop it right now. You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine, warts and ALL. Don't EVER settle for anything less than the very highest blessing that God has prepared for you. You are beautiful, and you are WORTH IT. You were bought with a price, and deserve nothing less than God's very, VERY best.
I have been rescued from a place that would've eventually and most certainly extinguished every last ounce of my joy. Thank you Lord Jesus for your perfect timing. It may not have felt like it was perfect while I was walking through the fire, but I can see now that it was completely perfect.
