Mixed Emotions

I'm 26 years old, and divorced.  It's no secret.  And it totally sucks.

My emotions are running wild these days.  On one hand, I find myself feeling guilty for not having certain emotions...and on the other hand, I catch myself in the midst of the most obvious, and natural emotional melt downs.  I can't sleep, and have been thinking about a good talk I had with a best friend tonight, where I tried my best to explain my emotions, or lack-there-of.

First things first: I don't owe anyone an explanation or justification of any kind.  While some have "lived through this" with me, no one has felt what I have felt on the inside.  That's between me and God.  But I catch myself feeling like I have to explain myself when bringing someone up to speed on my relationship status.

I don't cry about it.  The hellacious roller coaster I've been riding on for these last 6 months sucked every last tear out of me, with regard to this particular situation.  I ain't got none left.  Therefore my current emotional state is in no way a sob-fest.  I'm not sad about it anymore.  So when someone says, "I can't believe how well you're handling it" or "You're really holding it together nicely," I feel like I need to set the record straight.  I held it together for a long, long time.  I learned how to put on my happy face, and "hold it together," even when my every emotional and spiritual need was being swept under the rug.  I cried.  Lots.  Lots and lots and lots.  And it took every sleepless night, and every last tear, to get me to the place that I'm at right now.  I'm not sad, I'm relieved.  Relieved that I don't have to spend the rest of my days "holding it together."

These days, rather, I find myself overwhelmed by the emotion of the stark reality that I am ON MY OWN.  I don't like to use the word lonely, because I'm not.  I am completely surrounded by more love and support than I know what to do with.  But I am definitely alone.  Going from a pretty decent income, coming from two hard-working adults...to one, less-than-mediocre income...SUCKS.  Coming home after a long day at work, collapsing on the bed, and realizing that no one else is going to walk thru the front door...SUCKS.  Knowing, and becoming "okay" with the fact that I pretty much walked away from my social life...SUCKS.  All of my (our) friends, he got to keep.  Now I just get to have them all as "token" Facebook friends who were a big part of my life at one point...kind of like all of the people I'm friends with from high school;  we were a big piece of each other's lives, at one point.

This isn't fun, at all.  But I am reminded daily, and receive confirmation at least once a week, that I made the right choice.  I did what was best for me...to preserve my dignity and self-worth.  Speaking of self-worth:  if there is any person reading this post who has ever felt less-than-worthy of something great, stop it right now.  You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine, warts and ALL.  Don't EVER settle for anything less than the very highest blessing that God has prepared for you.  You are beautiful, and you are WORTH IT.  You were bought with a price, and deserve nothing less than God's very, VERY best.

I have been rescued from a place that would've eventually and most certainly extinguished every last ounce of my joy.  Thank you Lord Jesus for your perfect timing.  It may not have felt like it was perfect while I was walking through the fire, but I can see now that it was completely perfect.

RUN RUN RUN

I’m running my very first 5k on Sunday!  I wish I was more excited, honestly.  My level of preparation is somewhere in the general vicinity of “PSHHHH. YEAH…RIGHT.”  Up until this morning, I was only a little anxious.  But now that there is an 80% chance on rain Sunday morning, I’m a wee bit terrified.  I’ve never run in rain before, and I’m the weenie that gave up on running last fall when the temperature dropped below 65 degrees.  But participating in and finishing that stupid race will be such a huge feat for me.  As a self-proclaimed non-runner, I am still in shock that I can actually run for more than 30 seconds without flat lining.  Let’s face it, a gal as top-heavy as myself, isn’t typically chomping at the bit to participate in a 30-minute bounce fest.  And given the upside-down state of my life as of lately, keeping up with my training has been a complete joke.  But I will overcome!

I’ve already registered for another 5k in May…

 

It's totally gonna happen.  I can’t even wait.

My hope is to become a regular 5k-er.  I’d love to think I could get to a place where I do them just for fun.  The girl I’m running with this weekend (seriously) asked if I’d like to start training for a half marathon after this race.  For some freaky, bizarre reason…she thinks that’s a good idea.  Like that kind of torture is fun or something.  I told her she was a little too cray for me. Have fun with that girlfriend...you’re on your own!  I’ll try to take a glamorous post-race photo with my gal pal and share.  I’m sure it’ll be way more hotness than this little website can handle.

Well, here we are.

Approximately four months ago I squeezed in a fairly vague post about being in the middle of a "massive change" in my life.  Massive doesn't really begin to cover it.  After nearly 10 years of friendship, 8 years of dating, and a brief 3 1/2 year marriage, it's over.  What may come as a complete shock to most, is a relief to myself and the great guy I've had the opportunity to share the most recent part of my life with.  Notice, I said great guy - he really is.  We have been on quite a journey together, and have learned a great deal from each other.  And we have admittedly done a stand-up job of trying to live in a make-believe happy world together, but have crashed and burned royally.  When it comes down to it, there is no common ground of happiness that both of us can mutually find.  Spending the better part of the last several months in complete and total emotional disarray, has only solidified our decision to part ways.  I know there will be judgement, and I know there will be a great deal of conversation that we could potentially be the topic of.  I know.  But when it all comes down to it, life is far too short to live the way we've been living.  After much counsel and guidance, this is what has been mutually decided upon.  I'm not asking for anything but to simply be lifted up in prayer as we face the days ahead.  It will not come easily.

My help comes from the Lord

I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side, and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

New

In 2012, I will be two things: HAPPY and HEALTHY.  As long as I focus on those two things, everything else in my life...all of my personal struggles...will take care of themselves.  My focus for this new year is ME, and nothing anyone says or does will dictate otherwise.

Happy New Year.

A few things

Well...

1.  I'm hungry, because I made the mistake of eating lunch at about 10:45am.

2.  I'm tired, because I made the mistake of staying up way too late last night, which led to me falling asleep with my hair in a post-shower towel turban...which led to me waking up looking like a HOT mess.

3.  I'm sad, because my life is in the middle of a massive, massive change.

4.  I'm happy, because my life is in the middle of a massive, massive change.

5.  I'm scared, because my life is in the middle of a massive, massive change.

6.  I'm confused, because...you guessed it.  Change.

For those who may come across this post by whatever means (subscriber, stalker, random come-acrosser, etc.), would you say a quick prayer for me?
Thanks.

FINALLY.

Don't tell anyone, but I am SO GLAD Halloween has finally come and gone.

Don't get me wrong...I do love Fall, and all of the beauty that comes with it: the changing trees, the changing weather (minus the literal HELL my sinuses are going through), the changing wardrobe - it's all fabulous (except the sinuses part).

But Halloween.  Ick.

Everything is so creepy and spooky and weird.  I don't even care so much for all of the candy, for the simple fact that I feel completely terrible about having destroyed every tiny box of MilkDuds and miniature bags of Reeses Pieces that were part of the ONE bag of candy we purchased this year.  And I started dieting on November 1st, so OF COURSE I had to make sure all of my candy favorites were long gone before then, so I wouldn't have to resist the evil temptation.

Anyway, back to my genuine distaste for Halloween.  Ick.

All of the creepy witchy laughter you hear on radio and TV commercials, absolutely make me cringe.  And if we're all going to dress up in costumes and run around like fools, why can't everyone be a happy character?  Whatever happened to angels and Bible characters and princesses and cowboys?  All the zombies, angry birds, sci-fi characters and serial killers are more than I can stand.  And you don't want to hear my soapbox about Halloween being the one holiday where everyone's "true colors" really shine thru...especially among women.

Good golly.  Well, it's over.  And for that I am so grateful.

I am currently on the debate with myself about how to spend my Friday after Thanksgiving.  I've got plenty of time to decide my plan of action
I've got two options:

1.  Get up at the butt-crack of dawn...actually, it'd probably be before the butt-crack...and do the Black Friday routine.  My mom and I have developed a sort of tradition in participating in the out-of-control shopping experience, but I'm really trying to decide if that's what I want to mess with this year.  There would probably have to be some completely mind-blowing deal on something that I couldn't bear to live without...

OR

2.  Get up long after the butt-crack of dawn has long since passed, strike up the Christmas jams, and get my decorating on, probably find myself completely exhausted by about 5pm, at which point I'll crash on the couch.  Wake up just in time to have some leftovers for a late dinner, and then stay up way too late trying to get the rest of the decorations up.

Decisions, decisions.  This is the exciting life I lead.

HAPPY NOVEMBER!

"Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels." - Kate Moss

Heaven help me...I will be skinnier.  Please don't misinterpret that - I don't think I'm "huge" or a "cow," I just know that I'm not what I could and SHOULD be.  By golly, my thighs will be toned, my tummy will be flatter, and my arms will not flap in the wind.  Inspiration...

I need yellow.

I also need my cheeks to look like that, but that will take much more effort than I'm willing to exert.

I need orange.

I need chartreuse.

I need maxi.

One of these four items WILL be my reward for losing 10 lbs. And I WILL lose 10 lbs...as soon as I can shake these bloody shin splints!

Dismay

Dismay


-noun: sudden or complete loss of courage; utter disheartenment; sudden disillusionment.

“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my Righteous Right Hand.”

Isaiah 41.10

Thank you faithful Lord, for encouragement. For love and support when I am so undeserving. Thank you for a family to constantly remind me, through everyday encounters, just how deep your love is for me. I am not worthy to be recognized as your child, yet you rescue me each day from the depths of life’s most trying and challenging trials. Knowing that it will never compare to the unconditional, everlasting love that you have for me…I love you deeply, and I am yours.