How did I get here?

Sometimes I wish God was more like a genie. It's not that I need three wishes...I just need one.

My wish would be simple.
I wish things were different.

I don't know exactly what I wish was different...I just wish things were easier, more clear and obvious to me. God sure is bringing lots of challenges my way these days. I find myself, daily, asking myself, 'how did I get here?'

I am in a place I never even dreamt I would be. I just left a job that was a completely perfect fit for me. I was so good at it, and had really made it my own. I've never loved a job as much, and have never felt more loved, appreciated, and needed in a job. I just let the most beautiful, perfect-for-me house go, in a step of completely unsure and questionable faith that God would work a mighty miracle in my life...which has left me to begin quickly searching for a new place to live. I am making a desperate attempt to reconcile my deepest issues and greatest hesitancies with the help of a professional therapist. What the heck. I have a therapist. HOW DID I GET HERE?

The recurring theme of my life right now is that dreadful question. How on EARTH did I get here? It is often followed by a wide range of emotions...guilt, shame, anticipation, reassurance, excitement...

I am really trying to trust that I am here because God brought here. Right where He wanted me. He is testing me. He is making sure my head is on straight, and that I've got my priorities in check.

Lord, I trust you. I'm confused and scared to death, but I trust you. You will provide. You will give clarity at just the right time. You will hold my hand and walk me through this foreign land.

The Bachelorette!

My world is currently being turned upside down.  All of my beloved shows are coming to their season’s end.  What ever will I do with my evenings?  My emotional well-being is painfully reliant on my weekly dose of Chuck & Blair on Gossip Girl.  And don’t get me started on how desperately I anticipate Thursday nights and the copious amounts of drooling that takes place when I get to spend an hour staring at Jackson Avery and/or Mark Sloan (aka McSteamy…for all appropriate, and inappropriate reasons) on Grey’s Anatomy.  And I’ll go ahead and say it:  I’m devastated that Desperate Housewives has ended.  For good.  Done.  Forever and ever.  Wahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  So what on earth is a junkie like myself supposed to do with her week nights, now that the primetime television world has so rudely shut me out for the summer?  I’ll tell you what I’m going to do…

WATCH THE BACHELORETTE!  

And I’m diving in people.  I finally pushed play on the DVR last night and caught up on Monday night’s premiere, and let me just say, there are some nice fellas floating around in the bachelor pad.  Here are my favs:

Arie

SWOON!  Would everyone please just take a moment to acknowledge that beautiful, thick hair, and those delightfully unexpected baby blues!  And he is a race car driver from the Netherlands!  As long as he’s not friends with Ricky Bobby, I’ll take him!  Well, even if he is friends with Ricky Bobby…whew!  Plus Emily said “he would look hot in a race car!”  I absolutely cannot disagree with that statement. 

Doug

Doug has my vote.  Seriously, he’s most definitely in my top three.  I generally have a “top pick” in the first episode (yes, I’m THAT wrapped up in this garbage).  While I still can’t say who “my guy” is, Doug is most definitely high-ranking on my list.  He brought a hand-written note for Emily from his 11-year old son (which is surely what won him the prized first-impression rose).  YOU GUYS!  That is a thoughtful enough gesture to make even the most cold-hearted soul shed a tear.  And since Emily is not only on the prowl for a husband, but also a father figure for her daughter, Doug totally fits the bill in my opinion.  Plus he’s awwwwfully handsome.

Kalon

This one…oh  man.  Affectionately referred to as “helicopter guy,” this one made an impression right out of the chute.  While it was a little over-the-top to arrive at the cocktail party in a friggen’ HELICOPTER, he did make much more of an impact than many of the other men.  And suffice it to say…he’s the first one with a nickname!  Whatever his motive is, whether it’s to be labeled as the guy with “a few dollars in my pocket,” (yeah, he really did say that about himself), whether it’s to simply “be noticed” or whether his intentions are completely true and he’s looking for a lasting love…he’s certainly setting himself up to be a “feature” in each episode.

Stevie

Stevie tried really, REALLY hard to be smooth when he stepped out of the limo.  As a self-proclaimed “entertainer,” emcee Stevie busted out of the car…boombox in-hand…and danced his way up the stairs and into Emily’s presence.  While Stevie’s initial impression (on me) was that he was a goofy, fun guy…I was quite disappointed when he began to interact with others in the house.  This guy is drama.  He’s the one stirring the “helicopter guy” pot, and I honestly hope it comes back to bite him big time.  Plus, I don’t think this guy is attractive AT ALL.  Sorry Stevie.  I was hoping you didn’t get a rose.

Travis

Folks, Travis brought an ostrich egg.  No, really.  Homeboy stepped out of that limo, egg-in-hand, and strolled right on up to Emily.  I believe he used it as a metaphor for how he planned to “take care” of Emily and her daughter…which is a very kind thought, but borderline creepy.  And not to mention, he HAD to know he’d be made fun of!  Didn’t he see the cornball that wore a mask for most of his time on Ashley Hebert’s season, in hopes to remain mysterious and emphasize that it’s not “all about looks?”  Come on Trav, do your homework buddy!  He was the very last one to receive a rose on Monday night, and I’d be lying if I said my fingers and toes weren’t crossed in hopes that she wouldn’t call his name.  I’m sure he’s a great guy, but…please lose the egg, I’m sure Emily won’t mind.

Aaron

Wowzer.  If I take nothing else away from this season of The Bachelorette, that’d be okay.  I’ll just take Aaron.  Please and thank you. 

Mixed Emotions

I'm 26 years old, and divorced.  It's no secret.  And it totally sucks.

My emotions are running wild these days.  On one hand, I find myself feeling guilty for not having certain emotions...and on the other hand, I catch myself in the midst of the most obvious, and natural emotional melt downs.  I can't sleep, and have been thinking about a good talk I had with a best friend tonight, where I tried my best to explain my emotions, or lack-there-of.

First things first: I don't owe anyone an explanation or justification of any kind.  While some have "lived through this" with me, no one has felt what I have felt on the inside.  That's between me and God.  But I catch myself feeling like I have to explain myself when bringing someone up to speed on my relationship status.

I don't cry about it.  The hellacious roller coaster I've been riding on for these last 6 months sucked every last tear out of me, with regard to this particular situation.  I ain't got none left.  Therefore my current emotional state is in no way a sob-fest.  I'm not sad about it anymore.  So when someone says, "I can't believe how well you're handling it" or "You're really holding it together nicely," I feel like I need to set the record straight.  I held it together for a long, long time.  I learned how to put on my happy face, and "hold it together," even when my every emotional and spiritual need was being swept under the rug.  I cried.  Lots.  Lots and lots and lots.  And it took every sleepless night, and every last tear, to get me to the place that I'm at right now.  I'm not sad, I'm relieved.  Relieved that I don't have to spend the rest of my days "holding it together."

These days, rather, I find myself overwhelmed by the emotion of the stark reality that I am ON MY OWN.  I don't like to use the word lonely, because I'm not.  I am completely surrounded by more love and support than I know what to do with.  But I am definitely alone.  Going from a pretty decent income, coming from two hard-working adults...to one, less-than-mediocre income...SUCKS.  Coming home after a long day at work, collapsing on the bed, and realizing that no one else is going to walk thru the front door...SUCKS.  Knowing, and becoming "okay" with the fact that I pretty much walked away from my social life...SUCKS.  All of my (our) friends, he got to keep.  Now I just get to have them all as "token" Facebook friends who were a big part of my life at one point...kind of like all of the people I'm friends with from high school;  we were a big piece of each other's lives, at one point.

This isn't fun, at all.  But I am reminded daily, and receive confirmation at least once a week, that I made the right choice.  I did what was best for me...to preserve my dignity and self-worth.  Speaking of self-worth:  if there is any person reading this post who has ever felt less-than-worthy of something great, stop it right now.  You are worth so much more than you could ever imagine, warts and ALL.  Don't EVER settle for anything less than the very highest blessing that God has prepared for you.  You are beautiful, and you are WORTH IT.  You were bought with a price, and deserve nothing less than God's very, VERY best.

I have been rescued from a place that would've eventually and most certainly extinguished every last ounce of my joy.  Thank you Lord Jesus for your perfect timing.  It may not have felt like it was perfect while I was walking through the fire, but I can see now that it was completely perfect.

RUN RUN RUN

I’m running my very first 5k on Sunday!  I wish I was more excited, honestly.  My level of preparation is somewhere in the general vicinity of “PSHHHH. YEAH…RIGHT.”  Up until this morning, I was only a little anxious.  But now that there is an 80% chance on rain Sunday morning, I’m a wee bit terrified.  I’ve never run in rain before, and I’m the weenie that gave up on running last fall when the temperature dropped below 65 degrees.  But participating in and finishing that stupid race will be such a huge feat for me.  As a self-proclaimed non-runner, I am still in shock that I can actually run for more than 30 seconds without flat lining.  Let’s face it, a gal as top-heavy as myself, isn’t typically chomping at the bit to participate in a 30-minute bounce fest.  And given the upside-down state of my life as of lately, keeping up with my training has been a complete joke.  But I will overcome!

I’ve already registered for another 5k in May…

 

It's totally gonna happen.  I can’t even wait.

My hope is to become a regular 5k-er.  I’d love to think I could get to a place where I do them just for fun.  The girl I’m running with this weekend (seriously) asked if I’d like to start training for a half marathon after this race.  For some freaky, bizarre reason…she thinks that’s a good idea.  Like that kind of torture is fun or something.  I told her she was a little too cray for me. Have fun with that girlfriend...you’re on your own!  I’ll try to take a glamorous post-race photo with my gal pal and share.  I’m sure it’ll be way more hotness than this little website can handle.

Well, here we are.

Approximately four months ago I squeezed in a fairly vague post about being in the middle of a "massive change" in my life.  Massive doesn't really begin to cover it.  After nearly 10 years of friendship, 8 years of dating, and a brief 3 1/2 year marriage, it's over.  What may come as a complete shock to most, is a relief to myself and the great guy I've had the opportunity to share the most recent part of my life with.  Notice, I said great guy - he really is.  We have been on quite a journey together, and have learned a great deal from each other.  And we have admittedly done a stand-up job of trying to live in a make-believe happy world together, but have crashed and burned royally.  When it comes down to it, there is no common ground of happiness that both of us can mutually find.  Spending the better part of the last several months in complete and total emotional disarray, has only solidified our decision to part ways.  I know there will be judgement, and I know there will be a great deal of conversation that we could potentially be the topic of.  I know.  But when it all comes down to it, life is far too short to live the way we've been living.  After much counsel and guidance, this is what has been mutually decided upon.  I'm not asking for anything but to simply be lifted up in prayer as we face the days ahead.  It will not come easily.

My help comes from the Lord

I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side, and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

New

In 2012, I will be two things: HAPPY and HEALTHY.  As long as I focus on those two things, everything else in my life...all of my personal struggles...will take care of themselves.  My focus for this new year is ME, and nothing anyone says or does will dictate otherwise.

Happy New Year.